I've never told anyone that I suffer with anxiety. I'm such a closed book as you could say and hate telling people my problems. I've heard people I hang round with constantly saying 'what even is anxiety' 'if someone wanted to hang out they would, don't make excuses'
I never knew I had anxiety until I really read people's side to it and thought omg that's 100% me I couldn't explain it any better!! I always knew I was different though.
I was always shy in school, never knowing how to make friends. Afraid of not being accepted. Afraid of being the odd one out. just scared that i was constantly annoying them with my presence that they couldn't wait to get rid of me.
Even when I got asked to read allowed in english lessons I could just feel it in my eyes and throat that at any second I was about to cry. I was a good reader it was the only thing in school I was good at, it was the thought of everyone just staring and hearing me read. What if I didn't know a word and messed up. What if I started putting a voice on without realising it and everyone started laughing?!
Recently it's been getting worse. People ask me to hang out and the fear of that just gets too much, my mind goes into overdrive of why I shouldn't. Everyone will stare at me. They don't want me to hang out with them anyway they're just being polite.
Even in work, I work in a pub and i'm not a social person and on my first shift my boss even said I was quiet and all I wanted to do was make a good impression, I tried talking to the staff but I didn't know what to say. I'm no good at small talk.
On halloween weekend I went back to liverpool to work some shifts, I felt like the new staff all over again even though i'd been there all over summer. I had a mini panic attack just over thinking the situation, that I was being left out, they were all talking about me, I was the loner of the group. I even start over thinking the shift in general that I couldn't cope with the rush, i'd get everyone's orders all wrong, i'll forget what shorts we had.
I wish I knew how to stop these thoughts but every day they just seem to be getting worse. I can't even leave my room at times to go the shop across the road for a pint of milk. Just thinking that the shop assistant will think i'm strange just going for milk, or that if I don't wear make up people will stare at me. How do I cross the road, what if I look strange, what if I go to cross and a car goes instead and I get in the way.
I always hope i'll get confident and be the type of person to just walk up to everyone and say hi. whenever I try to be confident I just be funny instead, it's something that come natural and having banter with my friends just stops everything going through my mind.
I just wish I didn't overthink situations with my friends and that I could just be myself without this voice going a million miles in my head. It's taking over me. But i wont let it.