Feeling Like You Don't Fit In

This is probably going to be quite a deep post as i’m listening to Nathan Sykes’ album.. damn you Nathan. However, this is going to be all about friendships and my life experience with having the worst friends and how i'm getting through it.

I’m not going to lie, I used to have loads of friends back in primary school but then when we moved off into secondary school. Me and my friends drifted apart and I was left alone and shy, not knowing how to make friends as I mainly kept the same friends from reception up to year 6. 

In secondary school, I was always the odd one out in my friendship group it was really odd I had no one else to turn to except this friendship group. I mean, I had different friends in some of my classes but I wasn't suddenly going to go and join their friendship groups. That wasnt me to tell people how I felt and I liked everyone to think that my life was perfect and I was really happy with my friends. But in all honestly I hated every minute with them and I would often skip school just so I wouldn't have to deal with them.

Friends are meant to make you feel happy and positive, but these just wouldn't make me feel like I was one of them. I was just the odd one that would follow them around at dinner and break times I hated it so much. I’m not going to go into detail but in year 10/11 I can't really remember, I went off and joined another friendship group who were friends from my science class. I didn't especially like these friends as they were the ‘chavs’ of the year whereas the other ‘friendship’ group were the sort of populars so it was a massive drop. Back then I really cared about who I was friends with like, did I really want to be seen hanging round with these when the people I used to hang round with were so cool?? But I had no other choice. 

Moving on from secondary school dilemmas i’m now in university and the past two years i’ve always had one main best friend from my course but never really hung out with anyone else. So last year when we got separated into different groups, I felt like I was back in secondary school again with no friends to turn to at dinner time as most of the class had gone into the new groups with their old friends..lucky for them right. This meant at dinner time they would go off and eat together at restaurants, leaving me to just walk home in the dinner hour thank god I lived only 10 minutes away from uni otherwise I literally don’t know what i’d do. 

It was a hard beginning of the year for me I even ended up going to see my tutor about it saying how upset I was and that I just wanted to move groups again because I just didn't fit in and I didn't have anyone. He wouldnt let me move telling me that it would be good for me and in the industry I wouldn't work with anyone I knew. But he didn't understand my past and I just hated having to cling onto people hoping they’d want to hang arround with me rather than having me forced onto them.

I did end up talking to some girls that I was friends with in first year but I mean I was only friends with them because we would speak over twitter we weren't bffs but I sat next to them in class and when we went to Paris I even hung around with them at times but I felt like I was still trying to fit in with there group just hoping that they would accept me. 

In this year, there are no groups we’re all in one big class. I now have two friendship groups where I'm rather close to all of them I would like to say. One of the friendship groups is the one from last year and I even went out for dinner/tea and some cocktails with them yesterday and I can honestly say it was one of the best days i’ve had in the last few years. I felt so included and it just made so happy that they actually wanted me there to celebrate one of their birthdays with them.

This might sound so weird to some people like, 'it was only for a day, she must be really weird not getting invited to anything much whats wrong with her?' I’ve thought all those things about myself too what is wrong with me that makes me feel that people don’t want to be my friend. I think because of back in year 10/11 I had such horrible things said to me from my ‘friends’ who I would hang around with since year 7 it’s so hard to trust and get close to people. If I hang around with people would they just get bored of me, do they even want me there, are they talking about me behind my back thinking of ways to get rid of me when i go the toilet? ALL of these go through my mind when i’m with a number of people, it’s so hard for me and I just wish I could just chill with people and not have to worry hopefully I will be able to one day.

This may be a bit rambling and deep, but felt like I just wanted to write all these down and some of you may be in these circumstances. It WILL get better. 

Being a Poor excuse for a Girl

I was thinking about this the other day on the way into town. I overheard two girls chatting how they don't wear make up or carry handbags with them, and how they were called a poor excuse for a girl??

Why are there standards for BEING A GIRL? As if girls haven't already got low self-esteem about what they do already in this society, they're now being put down for not 'fitting in' to these standards what absolute rubbish.

Just because some girls don't wear makeup, never wear their hair down, wear jeans 24/7, wear backpacks instead of handbags and prefer to wear trainers who gives a fuck really? Who decides that these aren't 'proper' girls. Isn't life about doing what you feel comfortable with and not caring what other people think?

Back in school i'll admit, I always wore my hair in a pony and NEVER wore any makeup. I was constantly getting asked why not. I just couldn't be bothered straightening my hair in the mornings and back then I wasn't interested in makeup tbh.

I can still leave the house now without wearing makeup except for uni, I just always feel like I need it and just makes me feel so much more awake and not paranoid what people think about me. Should we really have to go through life scared of what people think of us? STRANGERS we pass on the street judging us. Like they're never going to see us again, why do we care so much?

I honestly do wish I was one of these girls who didn't care what anyone thought, and wore whatever the fuck they wanted but I do. I do care what people see me as and its mainly because of school and how I was treated. Don't get me wrong, I always wear skinny jeans and only really make an effort for a night out, and love trainers but if I go to the shops with my hair thrown up and no makeup on with no bag I feel so judged that everyones staring at me, wondering what i'm doing.

These standards need to change, just embrace who you are. If someone calls you out for wearing something that they don't like, then you just lift your chin up and say that everyone's different you obviously feel comfortable and thats more important than fashion and these 'girl rules' we apparently have going on.